A letter to the man that molested me:

If I could see you today I’d ask why. Why would you do such a terrible thing to me and my sister. What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all? How many other children did you hurt? Did they suffer for all these years like I have or were they able to overcome your evil?

If I could see you today, I’d say I hate you for the hell you put us through. I’d hold back my tears because you don’t deserve them. I’d tell you that I forgive you. I forgive you even though you’re not sorry. You’ll never be sorry for what you did. You’re just sorry you got caught.

How dare you come into my home and pretend to be a real man. How dare you come into my bedroom at night and hurt me over and over again? How dare you take something that’s not yours. I was 10. 10 years old when you took it upon yourself to steal my innocence. You stole my security and you stole my happiness.

You are a fool. You were able to fool a lot of people but you couldn’t fool me. I knew what you were doing was wrong. You fooled your family and you fooled my family. The only people who knew that you were the biggest fool of all were  10 and 11 years old. Did you not think we were strong enough to fight you?

For years I shuttered when you were called to “baby sit” for years my heart would sink when I saw my mothers tail lights. For too many years I felt hopeless and helpless. You made me think no one would care.

Are you really evil or are you just that sick? I wonder what you told yourself to make it okay. What could make what you did to me okay? What did I do wrong? Why did you choose us?

You’re a monster. A real life monster. You’re worse than anything hiding under my bed or in my closet. I was never afraid of anything as a child, except you. You hurt me in ways no one else ever could. Is that what drove you to do it? The fear you put into my tiny heart?

Are you really heartless enough to show your face around my children years later? Did you think I’d put them in your hands? Are you really that stupid? You will never have the opportunity to do to them what you did to me.

Do you feel pride in the fact that you got away with it? You had no consequences. There was no one there to hold you accountable for your sick and twisted actions. Do you laugh to yourself about it?

If I had one wish it would be that you never hurt my sister. She’s struggled because of you, you know? Even more than I’ve struggled. If I had two wishes it’d be that you never got to me.

I still fear you. I fear for my kids. I fear that you’re still out there. I know that there are other people like you in this world. I’m scared I’ll let a person like you into my life again and into my home to hurt my precious babies. Every man I meet is like you. Until he proves he isn’t.

My husband hates you. Sometimes he can’t touch me without me seeing your face. I’ll never be able to have a normal marriage because you’re everywhere, though I haven’t laid eyes on you in years.

Today I know that I’m stronger because you thought I was weak. I’m smarter because you thought I was dumb. I’m more aware because you tricked my parents. I pray to God that I never meet another you.

It probably gives you some kind of pleasure knowing how deeply you’ve hurt me. I just hope that somewhere in you there’s a heart. I hope there’s something inside of you that regrets what you’ve done to me.

You will never see my tears because they’re not there anymore. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve anymore of me, you’ve taken enough. For too many years I’ve sat and cried all alone because you made me feel ashamed. I now realize you’re the one who should be ashamed. You’re the coward.

 

 

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