MINI BLOG. I’m the luckiest girl in the world! My husband loves me more than I’ll ever deserve. My kids are happy and healthy. I have a beautiful home. There’s nothing more I could ask for. Sometimes I can’t believe this is my life. It’s not always easy and fun but I can’t deny the fact that I am blessed. Looking back on my life there were times I would’ve killed to be where I am now. In a perfect world I’d be 36 weeks pregnant, getting ready for Lincoln. His birthday was 4 months ago and I still hurt everyday for him. I’ve learned a very valuable lesson in losing him. Life is short and unfair. All babies are miracles. I have more patience now with my living children than I’ve ever had before in my 13 years as a mother. Any one of them could have been lost and if it weren’t for medical intervention they would have been lost. All of them. God took one child from me but he blessed me with these three beautiful tiny preemie babies. They are growing everyday and I will forever see the miracle in that. I took that for granted before. I thought I was entitled to a perfect, healthy, living child. I took for granted the true miracle of pregnancy. More pregnancies end in miscarriage than live births. It’s amazing that any child is born, much less my 30, 23 and 28 weekers. I watched my 15oz child’s heart beating through her translucent, unformed skin. I watched her come back to life after blood transfusions several times. The doctors gave her a 6% chance at life and a 2% chance of a normal life. She’s a miracle but still until Lincoln was born I took that for granted. I watched my only son struggle to breath. I held his hand through a hole in his incubator for days but I never thought I could lose him. “That could never happen to me.” The pain of losing your child was something so foreign that I just never thought of it. I didn’t want to think about it. I delivered my youngest daughter at 29. She was 2lbs and fragile. That was the first time I really thought one of my children might die. She was diagnosed at 3 months old with RSV and that is a truly ugly illness. When her respiratory therapist, who was a fully grown man broke down in tears in the hallway of the hospital on Christmas Eve at the sight of my tiny, sweet baby struggling to just stay alive, I thought for a second I might be one of those Mom’s who were unfortunate enough to lose her child. Of course I didn’t lose her and before long, there I was forgetting how fragile and precious life is. I’ll never be that ignorant again. The day I lost Lincoln was the single worst day of my life. I can’t explain the pain, there’s nothing to compare it to. I can’t forget him. I think of him everyday. One minute he was alive and kicking me and the next his tiny and sweet heart just stopped beating. He was just as much my child as my other three. We loved him and we wanted him desperately. I hate that my poor boy never made it into this world to take a breath of air. I hate I’ll never cuddle him. I hate he’ll never grow into hand me downs. He’ll never laugh or cry. I won’t get to walk him into his kindergarten class. He’ll never play ball with his Daddy. There are so many things we can’t give him and so many things he’ll never have the chance to do. He left this world the closest he could ever be to his Mama. He’ll never know pain or sadness. I’d like to believe he went straight to heaven and that’s all he’ll ever know. There’s no peace, there’s just coping. I don’t get closure. He was able to teach me a huge lesson before he left me, maybe that was his purpose in his short life. Hold your children closer than normal today. Tell them you love them until it annoys them. I pray that no one else has to go through this pain. Live your life to the absolute fullest. Be nice. Make your own dreams come true. You never know when it all could be over.